Dreams (M*A*S*H, 1979)

I never really was a watcher of the classic show M*A*S*H, especially when I was a kid. It took me all of 5 minutes of viewing to understand that this supposed sitcom was actually a serious drama, dealing with grown-up emotions that had little relevance to me at the time. Plus, I had no interest in war. I was into Star Wars, not real wars.

Even the kid-aimed M*A*S*H videogame, which had you fishing for bullets out of a patient's innards, kind of like a virtual version of the classic electronic game Operation, couldn't lure me into watching the actual show.

Sorry, marketing wizards!

That said, the show still managed to occupy the family TV screen quite a bit. Syndicated reruns seemed to be on at least twice a day, so I'd end up being exposed to episodes here and there, while waiting for some other show to come on afterwards (yep, in the pre-cable days, with only a few channels to choose from, you sometimes just had to squat and wait it out.)

One of the more unusual episodes of M*A*S*H occurred in the 8th season. Titled "Dreams", it takes us into the minds of several characters as they nod off briefly during an extended 30-hour operating room session.

The dreams were surreal and unsettling, nightmarish enough to force this young non-fan to sit up and pay attention (and to still remember them 30 years later).

HOULIHAN'S DREAM

Head nurse Major Margaret Houlihan barely makes it back to her barracks in time to pass out in her bunk...

...only to sit up seconds later, dressed as a bride.

There are no glistening harps, slow dissolves, or soft-focus photography to transition us between the real world and the dream. The dream starts happening as though occurring in reality--just as it would seem to the dreamer. Houlihan finds herself running through a field, into the embrace and bed of a well-dressed groom.

A patrol of soldiers marches by, taking the groom with him, who steps robotically in line.

Houlihan is kept from following her groom when a dirtied hand grabs her shoulder. She turns to find the bed now piled with wounded soldiers.

She suddenly finds herself standing alone, covered in blood.



WINCHESTER'S DREAM

Major Charles Winchester "the Third" grabs a quick nap on a cot, only to awake seconds later dressed as a magician.

Giving dual meaning to the term "operating theater", Winchester begins performing traditional magic tricks for an audience of adoring surgeons.

But the show is interrupted when a stretcher bearing a wounded soldier rolls through the crowd and positions the dying man in the front row.

The soldier agonizes for several minutes before finally expiring...

...leaving the desperate-faced Winchester doing an impotent tap dance as his final act.



FATHER MULCAHEY'S DREAM

The reverend Father Francis Mulcahey is hearing an impromptu confessions from a soldier when he dozes off...

...and finds himself apparently elected Pope, being hoisted by an enthusiastic crowd.

He is about to read a passage from the Bible when drops of blood begin splattering down on the pages from above.

He looks up to find the statue of Jesus has become the corpse of a solder.



HAWKEYE'S DREAM

For me, Capt. Benjamin "Hawkeye" Pierce's dream was the most disturbing. He puts his head down for a quick cat nap in the mess hall...

...and is awakened by an instructor in some kind of medical class, who orders Hawkeye to remove his own left arm as punishment for sleeping during the lecture.

Confused, Hawkeye grabs his left arm and twists it out of place. It has turned into the lifeless arm of a mannequin.

The instructor intends to demonstrate how to reattach it, using a live model who is already missing his arm.

When Hawkeye admits he doesn't know the procedure, he loses his other arm.

The instructor tosses the arm off-camera where it lands incongruously with a splash into a lake. An armless Hawkeye is now drifting helplessly among floating limbs.

A bloodied Korean child beckons him from the bank.

Hawkeye finds himself standing over a would-be patient, unable to reach for the offered scalpel...

...and screams as the sound of choppers approaching indicate the arrival of more wounded.

The "Dreams" episode of M*A*S*H can be found on DVD here.

The Bishop of Battle (Nightmares, 1983)

Parents in the early 1980s sure had a lot to worry about. Role-playing games were psychologically scarring children with their occult-based fantasy worlds (as depicted in the infamous Jack Chick tract Dark Dungeons and the TV adaptation of Rona Jaffe's Mazes and Monsters, teen suicide and devil worship was being encouraged by subliminal messages hidden in heavy metal music, and an increasingly popular phenomenon, the video arcade, was spreading across suburbia like an STD, threatening to infect once-safe mini-malls.

Yes, there was a time when video arcades held a reputation, in certain circles of worried parents and concerned citizens, as being unsavory dens of vice, where kids skipped school to engage in the antisocial and addictive hobby of gaming in an environment of unhealthy high-score one-upsmanship that was constantly threatening to escalate into violence.

And who knew what REALLY went on in those arcades where kids, once away from their parents' prying eyes, might be smoking, drinking, or gambling.

Video arcades, after all, are often dimly lit (like bars), are lined with noisy, coin-fed machines (like casinos) and sometimes even had a jukebox or a radio station piped loudly through a sound system (like night clubs). It's no wonder Electronic Games Magazine felt compelled to defend the video arcades' sullied reputation in an August 1982 article called "Exploding the Arcade Myths".

Written by "noted educator and social scientist" B. David Brooks, P.H.D., the article identifies and debunks many video arcade myths, among them:

Debunked or not, a lot of these arcade myths are on full display in The Bishop of Battle, the second vignette in the four-story anthology film Nightmares (1983). The Bishop of Battle is a fictional video game and the obsession of teenager J.J. Cooney (Emilio Estevez), a hot-shot gamer whose reputation as a high-scorer is well known in the arcades of Los Angeles.

But not so well known he can't still hustle a few bucks betting for high score on a game of Pleiades. MYTH: Arcades are nothing but gambling houses? Check.

It's customary to lay the pot on the machine in full view of onlookers to discourage any funny business.

J.J's mark is this hair-netted tough who's ready to throw down when he realizes he's been hustled. MYTH: Fighting over high scores? Check.

The sucker runs with a pretty tough crowd, too (you can tell they are tough by the bandannas). And one of them is even smoking a cigar. MYTH: Arcades are where kids go to smoke. Check.

After making a narrow escape (and twenty-five dollars richer) J.J. heads to the relatively safer environment of the Fox Hills Mall arcade to pursue his real passion, trying to reach the mythic 13th level of The Bishop of Battle.


Everyone gathers around to watch J.J.'s latest attempt to beat the Bishop, who beckons in a synthesized voice:

Greetings, Earthling. I am the Bishop of Battle, master of all I survey. I have 13 progressively harder levels. Try me if you dare. Insert coin.

The game itself consists of blasting spaceships and other enemies with a hand-held laser gun while trapped in a circular maze. The vector-based graphics may look primitive today, but with its 3-D rotating maze and free-floating camera, it was far more advanced than anything you'd find in actual arcades of the day.

The control scheme is even a step-up from reality: a light-gun aimed at the screen, combined with traditional joystick and buttons (there were real games with a light-gun as the sole controller, but not in combination with other controllers.)

Some say the Bishop's 13th level is a myth, invented by the manufacturer to part players from their quarters. But J.J. doesn't subscribe to this theory, even though he's never made it past Level 12. He obsessively plays game after game, until nearly getting in a fight with the manager when he is forced to leave the arcade at closing time. MYTH: Arcade games are addictive and encourage anti-social behavior. Check.

Unfortunately J.J.'s parents aren't any comfort. J.J's fixation on beating the Bishop has caused his grades to suffer. They have one of those "you-don't-understand-me-you-never-listen-to-me-I-hate-you" arguments that ends with J.J. being grounded from video games and sent to his room. MYTH: Video games separate kids from families. Check.

Determined to get to Level 13, J.J. sneaks out of his room and breaks into the arcade after hours for a private appointment with the Bishop.

You may be wondering at this point what a story about a teenager addicted to video games is doing in an anthology film titled Nightmares. But J.J.'s obsession is presented as a serious psychological problem, alienating him from friends and family. And the chilling score by Craig Safan lets you know something sinister lurks ahead.

Without any distractions in the empty arcade, J.J. is fully focused as he fights his way to Level 12. For the first time, the game play is presented in a first-person perspective, suggesting J.J. has reached some new stage of involvement with the game.

It's after J.J. has blasted the final enemy of Level 12 that the Bishop's cabinet suddenly starts to spark and smoke before collapsing entirely. J.J. thinks he's beaten the game.

But a moment later an electronic voice intones:

Very good, Earthling. You have just reached Level 13. Welcome. Let's begin.

And J.J.'s body is suddenly surrounded by a shocking electric field.

The mysterious Level 13 begins. Turning the premise of TRON on its head, elements from the video game world crossover into the real world. Each enemy from the game emerges out of the wrecked cabinet.

J.J., still clutching the gun controller, finds that it shoots real lasers.

But the newly materealized enemies can return fire as well... deadly fire.

After turning the arcade into a disaster area, J.J. flees into the mall parking lot...

...only to be confronted by the face of his obsession, which threatens to literally consume him.



Nightmares saw a DVD release by Anchor Bay, but it's out of print as of this writing and going for collector's prices. The Bishop of Battle chapter can be viewed on YouTube (while it lasts).