Waiting for Star Tours (Time Voyager, 1986)

1985 was a long, long time ago...

It was a dark time for Star Wars fandom. The original trilogy had completed two years earlier, with no realistic prospect of new films on the twin-starred horizon. Fans desperate for new Star Wars content had to settle for made-for-TV kiddie fare like the Ewok movies (1984's The Ewok Adventure, and its next-year follow up, Ewoks: The Battle for Endor), and cutesy Saturday morning cartoon The Ewoks and Droids Adventure Hour. Print media spin-off material like the daily newspaper comic strip had ceased publication in March '84, although the Marvel comic book series trudged along for another year before finally wrapping it up in May 1986 after a 107-issue run.

There hadn't been a new Star Wars novel since 1983's Lando Calrissian adventures, and the Timothy Zahn books that would kick-start a new wave of Skywalker fiction wouldn't launch until the 1990's. Immersive Star Wars videogames as we know them today were not yet a thing, and the first role-playing game to tap the Star Wars universe was still two years away (West End Games' Star Wars: The Roleplaying Game book, published in Oct. 87.)

Star Wars, it seemed, was winding down.

Geeks had to work a little harder in those dark times before The Internet to stay in the loop with their favorite fantasy franchises. That sometimes meant ponying up real money for dues membership to fan organizations like The Official Star Wars Fan Club, which remained active through the 1980s. The club's printed newsletter, Bantha Tracks, was still published quarterly, although the focus had turned to other Lucas-related ventures like the Indiana Jones series, Labyrinth, and Howard the Duck, while Star Wars-related content was relegated to the occasional backwards-looking retrospective piece (the club would eventually transform into the more appropriately named Lucasfilm Fan Club in 1987.)

So the good news couldn't have come sooner when it was announced in the Winter 1985 issue (Bantha Tracks No. 27) that Lucasfilm would be collaborating with Disney Imagineers to develop a Star Wars theme park attraction!

Turns out Star Wars was alive, and in perfect hibernation!

The prospect of my two favorite childhood things--Disneyland and Star Wars--finally coming together, was too good to be true. My imagination was ignited with fantastic visions of Disneyland someday devoting an entire land to Star Wars, or maybe even partnering with Lucasfilm to release a slate of new Star Wars films.

But those were just pipedreams.

Naturally, I devoured whatever information I could find about this mysterious new Star Wars ride while it was in development. It was to be called Star Tours, and would use cutting edge flight simulator technology, in which a tilting theater and other interactive elements moved in synchronization with newly photographed special effects footage created by ILM, to send riders on a trip around the post-Return of the Jedi galaxy, made safe for tourism thanks to the defeat of the Empire.

The Bantha Tracks blurb teased a June 1986 opening date, which was later moved to January 1987. This seemed like a huge span of time to wait (much longer than the mere 6-8 weeks it took to receive my considerably less anticipated mail-in Kool-Aid Man videogame ...and in order to cope with that excruciating wait, I had thrown myself into a strange "Kool-Aid Man phase".)

How was I expected to bide my time until Star Tours opened?

Enter Time Voyager.

Opening Memorial Day, 1986, six months before Star Tours, Time Voyager was an "experience of astonishment and wonder" that took passengers on an "intergalactic time travel experience" that blended "special effects, advanced computer technology, three-dimensional imagery, and Dolby sound and motion in an interactive global theatre setting".

Time Voyager was commissioned by Wrather Port Properties, Ltd. as part of a campaign to reinvigorate the Queen Mary and Spruce Goose exhibits they managed in Long Beach, California. The attraction itself was designed by John F. Decuir, Jr., a special effects designer for film who had worked on Ghostbusters and Fright Night (his father, John Decuir, had done design work for Disneyland, Disney World, and EPCOT Center.)

Installed under the geodesic dome that housed Howard Hughes' H4-Hercules plane, Time Voyager consisted of a sixty-foot diameter, 100-seat carousel-style theater that rotated to face a circle-shaped movie screen (or "porthole"). Electronic tilting seats and in-theater laser effects promised an experience of flight through Earth's atmosphere and into space itself.

Additionally, riders could expect a "close encounter" with friendly aliens called Orbons, who lived in the colony of Orloxin, "known to Earthlings as Halley's Comet".

That a reference to Halley's Comet was worked into the ride narrative was a timely one in 1986, as the short-period comet was completing another 75-year circuit and was visible not only through astronomer's telescopes but in various pockets of pop-culture as well (the 1985 Claymation film The Adventure of Mark Twain depicted a fantastic attempt to visit Halley's Comet on a spaceship, while software publisher Mindscape had released an educational game, The Halley Project, for home computers.)

So we have intergalactic travel, aliens, a flight-simulator style motion theater, laser effects, "astonishment and wonder"... on paper, this sounds like it has all the elements of the anticipated Star Tours attraction. Time Voyager may very well offer a sneak preview into what to expect when Star Tours finally opened the following year, was my thinking, as I convinced my family to purchase tickets ($11.95 for adults, $7.95 for children) when we visited on our 1986 Summer vacation.

Now, I had a real hard time finding information about Time Voyager on the web, outside of promotional blurbs in archived travel magazines. No personal memories posted by riders or vintage vacation photos. No discussions about the history of the ride on fan sites, or virtual recreation videos. Even designer John Decuir Jr's on-line bios frequently omit it (the only mention I could find was at the bottom of his Attractions resume at his website, here.)

And I think I know why.

Time Voyage, it turns out, was very lame.

More disappointing than that awful Kool-Aid Man game!

First of all, the "porthole" screen was just too small. It didn't come anywhere close to filling your field of vision, so the intended immersive effect of a simulator was never achieved. It felt more like you were watching a large television screen than looking out a spaceship window.

Second, rather than the entire theater tilting to simulate the pitch and roll of flight, the theater remained stationary and only your seats moved, tilting jerkily left or right. This simply didn't work. The screen remained stationary as well, so you felt completely disconnected from the on-screen action while watching it from your uncomfortably tilted seat.

Finally, we have to talk about these Orbons. These were the friendly extra-terrestrials that we encounter as we pass Halley's Comet.

Too friendly.

The aliens looked like little bald gremlins, and appeared in person as a full-head costumed character. At some point in the ride, an Orbon would emerge from hiding and proceed to dance around and wave at the audience from the front of the theater.

The handicapped seating was also located towards the very front, putting any wheelchair-seated rider in uncomfortably close proximity to the Orbon's performance area. On my visit, the Orbon, perhaps conscious that a wheelchair rider was practically sharing the stage with him, kept hugging him, patting him on the head, and otherwise making the poor guy part of the show, whether he wanted to be or not. It was all a little cringey, even to this obnoxious teenager.

I have no idea how long Time Voyager lasted, but I did not find it mentioned in a Dec. 1988 blurb for the Queen Mary/Spruce Goose attraction, and it wouldn't surprise me if had closed sooner than that.

Later that day, while roaming around the Spruce Goose exhibit, I passed a mom and dad with a young boy of maybe six or seven, who was cheerfully singing to himself.

The words his sing-song voice was reciting were, "I hate Time Voyager." Ouch!

Anyone have memories of this short-lived, definitely-not-to-be-confused-with-Star-Tours attraction?

Raising the Alien Bar: The Star Wars Cantina

One of my favorite Twilight Zone episodes is an admittedly silly little potboiler from Season 2 called Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?

A pair of police officers, investigating reports of a downed UFO, find mysterious footprints leading from the presumed site of the crash to a little roadside diner.

They follow the possibly extra-terrestrial footprints through the snow to the diner, only to find it occupied by a single group, traveling by bus.

No one has seen any unusual visitors, alien or otherwise, but the bus-driver notices the number of people in the diner exceeds his passenger count by one... did an alien in human disguise slip in with the group? And if so, which one is it?

After some tense finger pointing and general hysteria, the cops finally concede they can't determine who the alien is, and since no laws were broken, everyone is free to leave.

It's only after everyone else has gone that a distinguished older gentleman reveals himself to be the crash-landed Martian... he has a third arm hidden under his coat!

That alone would have been a perfectly satisfactory conclusion to this episode... but there's a twist! There are actually TWO aliens hiding in the diner! The waiter working behind the counter removes his hat to reveal a third eye... he's from Venus!

The presence of one alien was an event, special enough to build an entire plot around. But that there might be TWO aliens was such a novel idea, it gave the episode that unforgettable extra punch.

Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up? stands as a good example of how aliens were typically represented in TV and film, at least in my limited experience as a kid in the 1970s. Whether there was just one individual or a whole race of them, if there was an alien in the movie, undoubtedly the entire plot centered around its very existence. Its presence was a miracle of sorts, a unique anomaly, to be feared, fought, pondered or pursued.

All of which might make you better appreciate the impact that a little film called Star Wars had on me when I first saw it back in 1977... particularly, the cantina scene, in which our heroes wander into a barroom that, unlike the Twilight Zone diner, is wall-to-wall aliens, none of them hiding.

This little Tatooine hole in the wall seemed to contain about 50 movies-worth of monsters all in one scene, and without any particular importance attached to it. In the Star Wars universe, this intergalactic freakshow was the norm!

One of the better remembered aliens, because of his glowing eyes (unfortunately he got dropped for the 1997 Special Edition version...)

Ah, Mos Eisley, where everyday is Halloween...

This off-the-shelf wolfman mask also got 86'd from the cantina in the 1997 Special Edition version...


The entire gorgeous pageant is over in a few minutes, so I had barely started to come down from a delirious monster-kid high before the cantina scene ended and the whole thing was just a memory.

Now in 1977, you couldn't just look-up screen-caps from your favorite film on the Internet. Nor was there any realistic expectation that you would ever own a film, so the prospect of being in control of the presentation, to pause, rewind, replay, a scene to examine it in finer detail was, well, science fiction.

In those days before VHS and DVD, when you bought a ticket to a film, you were paying for admission to an event that you had no hope of replicating later at home (the film blog Scanners recently ran a good article reminiscing on this very subject), so if you wanted to relive the experience of entering that otherworldy watering hole, you either harassed your parents into taking you to another screening of the entire film, or sought out whatever details you could from supplementary sources.

That's how a book like Star Wars: The Making of the Movie (a "Step-Up Book" by Larry Weinberg, 1980) became an invaluable resource.

Star Wars: The Making of the Movie summarizes the film's plot and exposes some of the behind-the-scenes movie-magic that made it possible.

Even though it was clearly aimed at very young readers (so young they needed big words like "oxygen" spelled out for them fo-NET-ik-lee), it was still a popular read with the older kids because it provided a few frozen moments from the fleeting cantina scene.

You even got a good close-up look at the monsterized holographic chess game that we merely get a glimpse of in the film.

But this book wasn't published until 1980, a good three years after the film premiered. A more immediate bromo for cantina-withdrawal was 1978's The Star Wars Storybook, which offered a beautiful full-color two-page spread.

The official Marvel comic-book adaptation provided an artist's rendering of the cantina denizens, including this sensational cover depiction of an all-out brawl that never happens in the actual film.

It also gave fans their first glimpse of this mysterious "Jabba" character, never seen in the original film. This interpretation of Jabba, based on a random background alien (after Lucas was unable to realize the character through more elaborate special effects and cut the scene from the film) was rendered obsolete once Jabba made his big-screen debut in Return of the Jedi.

Topps Star Wars cards were a potential source of imagery, but frustratingly, it wasn't until the fifth "orange" series, 265+ cards into the run, that close-up pics of the cantina creatures started appearing with any regularity. (See the complete set here.)

Kenner action-figures let us get up-close and personal with a select few cantina regulars, and also provided their names (only Greedo is called by name in the film). Aside from Greedo, just three aliens made the cut, with names that would have looked right at home on a B-monster movie marquee: Hammerhead, Walrusman and Snaggletooth.

Oodah poodah, Solo?

Hammerhead was by far the coolest alien in the bar... and who knew he was hiding such great feet under that table?

The ravenous expanded-universe has since fleshed out the details of all the cantina inhabitants, providing back-stories and species-names for every character (and sucking some of the fun and mystery out of them as well). Snaggletooth, for example, has since been decreed a "Snivvian" named "Zutton". I don't know--I kind of like the monsterish and straightforward "Snaggletooth."

The clothing style and color-scheme for most of these figures seems to be a hair off... just a hair.

Amazingly, the iconic Cantina Band was never realized in action-figure form in the original Kenner line-up, but you could purchase a painted representation of them as part of the Creature Cantina playset.

This alternate playset, Cantina Adventure, was sold exclusively at Sears stores, and came with all four of the cantina action figures (including the highly collectible "blue Snaggletooth", an off-model variation that was designed from a vague photo-reference and quickly discontinued.) Some cantina creatures and a droid are depicted on the flat backdrop.

Then in November of 1978, something incredible happened. Call it a Christmas miracle, if you like, but the exciting and elusive world of Star Wars finally came home by way of The Star Wars Holiday Special. While set on the forested Wookiee homeworld of Kashyyyk, the special included a stop-over at every 10-year olds favorite coctail lounge...Finally, I was able to revisit the Mos Eisley cantina from the comfort of my own home, and without paying for a ticket.

Even though this was a poorer, made-for-TV version, (camped up with the addition of comedian Bea Arthur as a bartender, and looking more like it belonged in the universe of Sid & Marty Krofft than that of the big-screen Star Wars), I ate up every second of it.

For more than you ever wanted to know about The Star Wars Holiday Special, check out this fansite.

FUN FACT: Lecturer and author Joseph Campbell, whose book The Hero With A Thousand Faces influenced George Lucas in writing the Star Wars stories, named the cantina scene one of his favorite film moments of all-time. He did this during a series of interviews with Bill Moyers, which was broadcast under the title The Power of Myth, and is available on DVD.

UPDATE 2-16-11: Just happened upon this hilarious cantina-themed embroidery. Find out more about it here.