I've posted previously on classroom scare films.
The Haunted Mouth used a haunted house to frighten children into brushing their teeth regularly, and
The Boy Who Liked Deer taught us the dangers of sharing your love of poet
E.E. Cummings with the wrong crowd.
But
Shake Hands With Danger was made for a classroom of a different sort. It's message of observing proper safety procedures and avoiding distractions while on the job, "whether you're using a grease gun or a welding torch", is intended for adult construction workers. Directed by educational film veteran
Herk Harvey (whose sole feature film credit was a different kind of scare film altogether... the 1962 cult classic
Carnival of Souls!), I can't overstate how much fun this is.
In a series of grim vignettes, we'll see careless workers scalded with hot oil, set afire when their cigarette meets gas vapor, T-boned by runaway equipment, rammed into buildings, feet crushed, fingers severed, and (most disturbingly) a hand amputated. All set to a catchy country song with lyrics that comment directly on the action.
You see,
Shake Hands With Danger isn't just the name of the movie... its the title of a song! Written by
Jim Stringer and sung by
Charles Oldfather (whose only other screen credit is a bit part on made-for-TV post-apocalypse drama
The Day After), the song drops in strategically throughout the film's 25 minute running time.
Imagine
(...trying to describe the singers voice; scanning my limited knowledge of country music; landing on Johnny Cash...) Johnny Cash belting out lyrics like this:
Shake hands with danger.
Meet a guy who oughta know.
I used to laugh at safety,
Now they call me Three-Finger Joe.
Shake hands with danger.
Find it anywhere you choose
Be careless for a moment,
Spend a lifetime with the blues.
What follows is scene after scene in which a worker, either out of hubris, carelessness, or impatience, ignores safety procedures and ends up paying the price.
This guy was too afraid to admit he wasn't comfortable operating the bulldozer, and after giving the "okay" sign to his boss...
...ends up nearly flipping the boss's truck over!
But he got off lucky compared to our next victim, who climbs high up on a piece of equipment to change out an O-ring...
...only to slip off and tumble to his death!
Cue the music!
Shake hands with danger.
Take a chance that you won’t fall.
You’ll save yourself a minute,
But you may damn well lose it all.
In this next scene (which doesn't seem nearly as disturbing in screen caps as it does in motion), a worker decides to a take a shortcut and use his hand to grease a hinge.
The operator is distracted by a wasp and accidentally activates the equipment, severing the hand right in front of our unflinching eyes!
Our raconteur narrator informs us that the unfortunate worker would "give anything to go back and do it the right way."
Perhaps the best segment is a mini drama pitting the "old timers" (right) against the "greenhorns" (left). Seems some of the experienced workers adopt an attitude of letting the newer, inexperienced guys learn the hard way. In this scene, he's failed to alert the newbie not to lean against a hot clamp...
..leaving him with a permanent grisly scar on his forearm.
But in a delicious bit of karma, the "old timer" fails to observe the safety gap while grinding a piece of metal...
...and ends up crushing two fingers, blood dripping in strings from the wound.
It's at this point we learn the identity of our singing narrator. Music please!
Shake hands with danger.
Step right up and say "Hello".
Grindin’ wheels and metal,
Are what made me Three-Finger Joe.
Shake hands with danger,
And friends I used to know.
Compared to them I’m lucky,
To be JUST Three-Finger Joe.
Shake Hands With Danger is available on DVD in a collection of job-related films called
On The Job, part of
The Educational Archives series.
The
AV Geeks website has a clip of songwriter
Jim Stringer performing
Shake Hands With Danger in a live venue (although his delivery in that clip lacks the gravitas of Charles Oldfather's performance from the film.)
Not to be confused with the famous auto races in Monte Carlo... this is the "Monte Carloff Monster Rally." (And if puns aren't your thing, you may want to exit now!)
This event is held only at midnight, under a full moon and a witch-filled sky.
The stands are stacked with monsters and creeps from all over the world.
But the event's hosts, Prince Monte-Carloff and his lovely undead wife Sepulchre, enjoy an elevated view from the balcony of their nearby castle.
The racers include Lobo Van-Goosey, a wolf-man who drives a Four-Claw Ferrari Road Ripper...
...Fred G. Frankenstein and his Le-Monster Special....
...and the reigning champion, who drives a blood-fueled Red Corpuscle Bloodmobile, vampire Count Lugosi.
Should any of the drivers try to back out of the race at this late stage, it will cost them an arm and a leg. Literally.
The lovely Sepluchra fires the starting pistol... with deadly aim!
The race course winds around craggy mountains, past a local cemetery...
...and through tunnels emblazoned with sponsor names, like Skull Gasoline (Skull Gasoline - When You Need to Get a Head!)
Of course winning the Monster Rally isn't just about speed. You can expect all manner of sneaky shenanigans on the road. Lobo Van-Goosey uses the chomping grill of his car to take a bite out of Frankenstein's back tire.
Meanwhile, Count Lugosi releases the contents of his trusty Bat Box to distract newcomer Tom Slick.
But even a faceful of bats doesn't keep Tom Slick from taking the prize. And Sepulchre is known to get so excited by the award ceremony, she sometimes loses her head.
The Monster Rally comes from the first episode of Tom Slick (a supporting toon in the 1967 Jay Ward produced George of the Jungle.) Available on DVD here.
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